what i learned tonight at yoga

Drishti (IPA: [ dɽʂʈi ]; Sanskrit: दृष्टि; IAST:dṛṣṭi), or focused gaze, is a means for developing concentrated intention.

I am no good at this.

My focus is in a million different places.

In the car on my way to yoga I listen to SiriusXM radio. Martina McBride, a country singer for those of you who are not familiar, does a radio show on the country station. Sometimes I get irritated because it gets repeated several times a week, and like most radio stations, feels very repetitive.

However, tonight the song “Anyway” came on just as I was getting into the car. A song by Martina McBride from 2007.

I remember buying her CD in 2007. An actual CD, when we used to buy actual CD’s. I would listen it to on repeat.

If you don’t know the song, click the link above and read all the lyrics but here is a piece:

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
When I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah, I do it anyway

I’ve had a “life is crappy” attitude for a while now. I go to one doctor and get referred to two more. I can’t get a date with someone that actually wants to date me. I come home to a very lonely house after a terrible day and while Lexi will listen to anything I say, she isn’t the best at giving advice.

This song reminded me, just as it had in 2007, that being a little lost is okay. But we keep on moving anyway.(

1. I am not flexible. I am flexible when it comes to finding time for freelance work. I am flexible when it comes to finding time for a friend. I am flexible when it comes time to taking care of Lexi. I am not flexible when it comes to making time for myself.

This is partly because I do not like sitting at home. I do not like the feeling of being home alone, especially with nothing to do. (Friday nights at the worst.)

I am also not flexible at all when it comes to yoga. Some day I will be able to do the pigeon pose without losing feeling in my lower legs!

2. I do not know how to breathe. My breath is shallow. I know this because I am a terrible swimmer. If I had to hold my breath under water for any length of time I would drown.

It is challenging to breathe while holding a yoga pose. Tension causes me to hold my breath thinking that will help me strengthen the pose. Instead I turn really red and it is more stressful than relaxing. Which is not the point of yoga.

If you don’t breath through the difficult moments… you aren’t going to make it to the good moments.

3. I have too much focus. I love being busy. I thrive on it, and it really is some of my happiest times.

Someone said to me the other day, how do you do it? Full time job, part time job, freelance work and volunteer.

I do it because it makes me happy.

I do not like missing out. I do not like losing friends. I don’t do things “half ass”.

Ironically, another Martina McBride song was on the radio on my drive home from yoga, “Whatcha Gonna Do“:

Its either black or white
Its either wrong or right
You don’t get to choose

Perhaps, this is my sign to not “half ass” the things that help me become the best me that I can. It’s either help or hurt and this is my life, and I need to go and do.

Drishti (IPA: [ dɽʂʈi ]; Sanskrit: दृष्टि; IAST:dṛṣṭi), or focused gaze, is a means for developing concentrated intention.

I will become good at this.

what is love?

I had this very interesting conversation about relationships tonight. A friend said these words to me…. “Sometimes I suppose you are chased, and other times you are the chaser.”

It struck me, what is love? Is love the joy of being chased? Or is love the joy of chasing the one you love?

I don’t think love alone is enough. So what else do you need to be happy in a relationship?

Is it being chased? Is it being the chaser?

In the short time I have had to actually contemplate this thought (since I just had it tonight)… I believe that you need to have equal parts love, being chased, and being the chaser.

It all starts with love really. Without love why would you be willing to do any of this? Love is the foundation, the common, mutual feelings that two people share. Love is something that you can share with people without being in a relationship. A love with your family or with your best friends. But it is the love that you pursue that makes the love a relationship.

And then I think you need to equally chase the love of your life, as often as you are chased after. For if you are both willing to prove your love to each other, then you are willing to prove the strength of the relationship. And that, I believe is what you unconditional love. Two people willing to prove their love to each other, day in and day out. Sometimes one person will outpour their attraction seemingly more so than their partner. But when they need to feel the attraction, their partner will shower them with the love and attention that they desire.

Every day isn’t always equal parts chasing, but the love and the foundation is there every day. And together, you get through things. And when it comes down to it, all we want is to love someone and be with someone who is there for you on the good days and the bad days.

Relationships are mysterious. How do you ever really know if you are in fact with the right person? How do you know that you aren’t missing out on someone else who might be perfect? How do you know that making sacrifices to be in said potential relationship are worth it?

I clearly don’t know these answers. But this is what I do know.

When you find someone who is willing to show you they love you. Let them. Because maybe they won’t turn out to be the love of your life. Like you once thought they might be. But they may lead you to learn things about yourself. And question things about life that you probably didn’t think about before. And in the long run, they will inevitably make you a better, stronger person because of it.

Share the love. Don’t be afraid to chase after what you want. And don’t fear the one that pursues you.

Because quite frankly… you never know…

when it crumbles… #day4

I wish I could have written more blogs during my #30to30 but the whole countdown has really flopped. I have four days left in my countdown and I have absolutely no plans. None. Not one.

Mostly because I have had too much wine, too much cake and too many nights out to eat that my intestines and my sugar levels are yelling “HELP ME! HELP ME!”

Partly because in my small circle of friends, 30 days is A LOT. There are only so many times you can be with the same person without feeling like you are forcing them to celebrate you, over and over and over again.

Maybe I really am crazy.

One thing I have learned in the 26 days since I have started this…. you have no idea where 26 days is going to take you. And the only thing you can ever really count on are the people you have as friends.

They may be related to you. And they are not only forced to pretend to love you but have actually taken the time to get to know you and support you in a way that seems very optional and earned.

They may be old friends who you have known for over a decade. You have been through multiple heartaches between the two of you, multiple nights where there has been far too much alcohol and more laughs and memories than you could recount in one night.

There are the new friends. The ones that have unexpectedly crept into your life and for some reason you don’t go a day without texting them and it feels like you have known them much longer than you really have.

There are, of course, the friends that you were really close with but lost touch and somehow now that you are back together you seem better than ever. You can relate to each other now in way you couldn’t before.

There are the friends who don’t live in the same state but call you on the phone on a really bad day and need to vent to you. And when you need them, they pick up for you too.

There are the friends that you dated and you are now shockingly just friends with. It has probably taken years to get to this point but by gosh you are here and when you need some male perspective, they are perfect to call.

And last there are the new flames, the people that enter your life and make you absolutely smitten with who they are you and you can not wait to see what will happen.

None of these friends are guaranteed. You probably won’t have all of them in your life at the same time. But I think you can relate to each of them. I have said for years now that life is short and we should not wait one more moment to tell someone that they mean everything to us. I have written thank you notes to the funeral director at my grandfather’s service. I have written customer reviews for hotels when I think the service I get is phenomenal. I have written letters to great loves because everyone should know how much they mean to someone.

In honor of my last four days… I am just acknowledging how blessed I am. To those who have spent any part of my #30to30 with me… I can’t thank you genuinely enough for being there and loving me in that moment. I will forever cherish the memories I have made in these 26 days. I am so looking forward to what this weekend might bring!

Each heartbreak, each love affair, each new friend has brought me to this day right here. And while I am most certainly aware there are some things I would like to do differently. I very certainly proud of the person I am. I may be crazy emotional sometimes, and send eight million more text messages that I should. I may cry during movies because it seems that the love you find as two teenage cancer patients is the best kind of love. But I do it because I have feelings and I have passion and when I feel something I want it to be shared.

I’m not perfect but when I love you, I love you. It’s real, it’s raw and I hope you feel as appreciated as you are to me.

day 30.

Since deciding I was going to celebrate 30 days until 30 (thank you, Andrea!) I have known for awhile I would kick off today with an infusion.

While the infusion itself isn’t all that exciting… it certainly is symbolic.

The person I am today is nothing short of a miracle due to the infusions I get every eight weeks.

I have been getting these infusions for three years now and they have completely transformed me from a gimpy, swollen jointed shy girl to a confident, outgoing, active young woman.

Crohn’s disease does not define who I am but it has certainly shaped who I am today and for that reason it is almost perfectly fitting that I start my #30to30 journey with an infusion. As awful as the infusions are. As awful as the company can be. And even worse… how awful the game shows are! But each infusion keeps me going. Keeps me moving to become the person I want to be.

And because I couldn’t just celebrate the start with a bunch of drugs… my cousin, Kate took me out for an amazing dinner. At an amazing restaurant, Assaggio, which has the most amazing chocolate cake!

And she left me with a birthday balloon and a bag full of 29 presents to fill the next 29 days. I am so excited to have started my 30 day countdown!