signs from the universe

I always want to have plans. I have been known to overbook myself and often find myself running from one place to the next, usually running about five minutes late!

But this weekend, I have no plans. Or hardly any plans. I’ve been asked to make several plans, but I have turned them all down. Quite frankly, I am really looking forward to the quiet time alone.

I should be sleeping right now, as I’ve had the worst migraine all day, but for some reason I feel compelled to write a quick blog.

I am a huge believer in signs. And I do believe the universe sends us the signs we need, even if we don’t understand them at time.

I’ve been in a bit of a funny mood the past few days and there has been a lot of love coming in my direction. Random “<3 u” texts from a dear friend, days spent with my favorite little people or run-ins with old friends who give the best hugs.

I’ve been blessed with good people amidst the confusing, hard to navigate news of my health the past week or so.

I couldn’t be more privileged to be surrounded by these people as I keep my fingers crossed and embark on this new journey of using diet to control my Crohn’s.

Perhaps someday, I will be able to help others with the power of healthy food and the power of a healthy mind.

Until then I am just following the signs and taking each day one day at a time.

G’night friends, xo.

on this journey

 

If there is one thing that makes you appreciate solid food… it’s a colonoscopy prep!

I’m on round 2, it’s 1:00am and I’m about to drink this horrid drink for the next hour. The drink was terrible the first round, it’s even worse now.

I’ve been binge watching “Suits” all night on Amazon Prime. I don’t even think the show is that interesting, but I don’t think I’m really paying attention. I’m half in the zone and half really far away.

I have been blessed with drugs that worked and a healthy body for three and a half years. I know some aren’t lucky enough to see a remission that long. To be honest, I don’t even know if what I am experiencing is a flare or some crazy drug reaction.

Such is the life as it manifests, or that’s what a dermatologist told me today. There are the same symptoms for so many different issues and no way of telling what is going on. I struggled for four years to find answers and I thought I had found my answer.

It is funny how life manifests. I’ve come to believe that the people you need in your life will find you.

I’m spent some time thinking lately about the people in our lives and the lives we take and what if we didn’t cross paths… but oh, what if we did.

Follow me on this for a bit…

When I was seven years old, I went in a camper with seven other people and we drove to Disney. As little as I remember (since I was only seven) it is one of my most memorable trips and one of the stories I love to tell.

Last month, the friend that I took this trip with passed away from breast cancer at the age of 29. And while we did not know each other in recent years, he impact of my life will remain with me forever.

When I was in second grade I lived in New Hampshire. In a class with one of my all time favorite teachers, Mrs. Jones, I made friends with Alison. Unfortunately I moved away and we lost contact.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and an article ran in Fitness magazine that Alison has Crohn’s too. We reconnected and today she is one of strength heroes. Her positive attitude and love of life inspires me every day. Read her story here;

Nearly six weeks ago, I was being a creeper on Twitter and saw Alison tweeting with Tory. I had no idea who Tory was but for some reason I clicked on her name and read her website and signed up for her newsletter. Now she helps me each week in a way that I could have never expected.

When I was in high school, I spent the majority of my free time with a group of people called NGCC youth group. They were my life, we did everything together. It didn’t matter that we were in different grades or in different social circles when we were together we were all the best of friends.

Last month, when one of leaders passed away, it brought us all together again. It took twelve years, but we were that same tight knit group sitting on my back deck sharing memories and stories of where life took us. A great reminder of the impact we all had on each other.

My freshman year of college I was absolutely terrified of the drinking habits of my roommate. Three weeks into college I transferred rooms and by the end of the year was completely unsure if college was for me. The only friend I had managed to make was not coming back and I had no idea what I was going to do. I signed myself up for a single dorm sophomore year.

I was placed in a dorm building that introduced me to my best friends, ladies I have known for over a decade now. They are there when the wine needs to be poured, or the phone call needs to be made after the really terrible date. They share the good moments and the bad moments and we celebrate life together.

I got my first internship at an art gallery that, ten years later, I am still able to do freelance work for. This internship allowed me to stay in Newport for the summers and I lived on my own for the first time. It also allowed me to stand on my own two feet after having my heart broken more than I ever thought it was possible.

Two years into my first real job, I got a new boss. To say that Toni changed my life is an understatement. She gave me courage and showed me how to manage a team of people when I have no experience. She has taught me things, to this day, I carry with me in my work.

And now two years after being with my current job, I have become best friends with someone I have known much longer than we have been friends. Our paths have probably crossed a thousand times before we were seated a desks next to each other and now I couldn’t imagine life with Andrea.

I have fallen in love with several men in my life. Each one shaping me a bit more than the last. And this most recent love, has done more for my health than even I think I give him credit for. David, you have open my eyes into a world of holisitic healing that many have tried before but there was something about the way you said it, or the time that you entered my life, that made me listen. And if nothing else you made me believe I could do it myself.

It’s funny how life works. It puts people in your life… maybe not exactly when you need them but life introduces you so when you do need them, you know who to call. I’m sure are there a few people that haven’t been mentioned, but it’s almost 2am, this drink is now making me gag and I’m typing from the bathroom. (Too many details?!)

I want to take this moment to thank each and every one of you that has traveled on this journey with me.

This week has been tough, and I’m feeling more needy than usual. Because what else do you want when you are uncomfortable than to be comfortable? I don’t know what tomorrow’s colonoscopy will bring, news I will find a way to deal with I’m sure.

This is the journey I am on and while each day I don’t always understand why this journey has to be mine, I trust that this my journey.

 

what i learned tonight at yoga

Drishti (IPA: [ dɽʂʈi ]; Sanskrit: दृष्टि; IAST:dṛṣṭi), or focused gaze, is a means for developing concentrated intention.

I am no good at this.

My focus is in a million different places.

In the car on my way to yoga I listen to SiriusXM radio. Martina McBride, a country singer for those of you who are not familiar, does a radio show on the country station. Sometimes I get irritated because it gets repeated several times a week, and like most radio stations, feels very repetitive.

However, tonight the song “Anyway” came on just as I was getting into the car. A song by Martina McBride from 2007.

I remember buying her CD in 2007. An actual CD, when we used to buy actual CD’s. I would listen it to on repeat.

If you don’t know the song, click the link above and read all the lyrics but here is a piece:

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
When I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah, I do it anyway

I’ve had a “life is crappy” attitude for a while now. I go to one doctor and get referred to two more. I can’t get a date with someone that actually wants to date me. I come home to a very lonely house after a terrible day and while Lexi will listen to anything I say, she isn’t the best at giving advice.

This song reminded me, just as it had in 2007, that being a little lost is okay. But we keep on moving anyway.(

1. I am not flexible. I am flexible when it comes to finding time for freelance work. I am flexible when it comes to finding time for a friend. I am flexible when it comes time to taking care of Lexi. I am not flexible when it comes to making time for myself.

This is partly because I do not like sitting at home. I do not like the feeling of being home alone, especially with nothing to do. (Friday nights at the worst.)

I am also not flexible at all when it comes to yoga. Some day I will be able to do the pigeon pose without losing feeling in my lower legs!

2. I do not know how to breathe. My breath is shallow. I know this because I am a terrible swimmer. If I had to hold my breath under water for any length of time I would drown.

It is challenging to breathe while holding a yoga pose. Tension causes me to hold my breath thinking that will help me strengthen the pose. Instead I turn really red and it is more stressful than relaxing. Which is not the point of yoga.

If you don’t breath through the difficult moments… you aren’t going to make it to the good moments.

3. I have too much focus. I love being busy. I thrive on it, and it really is some of my happiest times.

Someone said to me the other day, how do you do it? Full time job, part time job, freelance work and volunteer.

I do it because it makes me happy.

I do not like missing out. I do not like losing friends. I don’t do things “half ass”.

Ironically, another Martina McBride song was on the radio on my drive home from yoga, “Whatcha Gonna Do“:

Its either black or white
Its either wrong or right
You don’t get to choose

Perhaps, this is my sign to not “half ass” the things that help me become the best me that I can. It’s either help or hurt and this is my life, and I need to go and do.

Drishti (IPA: [ dɽʂʈi ]; Sanskrit: दृष्टि; IAST:dṛṣṭi), or focused gaze, is a means for developing concentrated intention.

I will become good at this.

what is love?

I had this very interesting conversation about relationships tonight. A friend said these words to me…. “Sometimes I suppose you are chased, and other times you are the chaser.”

It struck me, what is love? Is love the joy of being chased? Or is love the joy of chasing the one you love?

I don’t think love alone is enough. So what else do you need to be happy in a relationship?

Is it being chased? Is it being the chaser?

In the short time I have had to actually contemplate this thought (since I just had it tonight)… I believe that you need to have equal parts love, being chased, and being the chaser.

It all starts with love really. Without love why would you be willing to do any of this? Love is the foundation, the common, mutual feelings that two people share. Love is something that you can share with people without being in a relationship. A love with your family or with your best friends. But it is the love that you pursue that makes the love a relationship.

And then I think you need to equally chase the love of your life, as often as you are chased after. For if you are both willing to prove your love to each other, then you are willing to prove the strength of the relationship. And that, I believe is what you unconditional love. Two people willing to prove their love to each other, day in and day out. Sometimes one person will outpour their attraction seemingly more so than their partner. But when they need to feel the attraction, their partner will shower them with the love and attention that they desire.

Every day isn’t always equal parts chasing, but the love and the foundation is there every day. And together, you get through things. And when it comes down to it, all we want is to love someone and be with someone who is there for you on the good days and the bad days.

Relationships are mysterious. How do you ever really know if you are in fact with the right person? How do you know that you aren’t missing out on someone else who might be perfect? How do you know that making sacrifices to be in said potential relationship are worth it?

I clearly don’t know these answers. But this is what I do know.

When you find someone who is willing to show you they love you. Let them. Because maybe they won’t turn out to be the love of your life. Like you once thought they might be. But they may lead you to learn things about yourself. And question things about life that you probably didn’t think about before. And in the long run, they will inevitably make you a better, stronger person because of it.

Share the love. Don’t be afraid to chase after what you want. And don’t fear the one that pursues you.

Because quite frankly… you never know…